SEE: Are You Growing?

When you are small you spend a lot of time waiting until you are grown.

As a child, growth means to get bigger, be an adult, make your own decisions, have control over yourself.

However, once you are "grown" do you continue to grow?

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Growth isn't always a physical change.

In fact, once we "mature to adulthood" we MUST continue to grow and evolve, something that many adults fail to do or even attempt.

Why?

BECAUSE GROWTH IS OFTEN PAINFUL, EXPLOSIVE, TORTUROUS, AND HARD!

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Real growth, the kind that moves us forward and upwards takes A LOT of effort.

It requires us to remove our ego while allowing ourselves the vulnerability to humble ourselves before the mirror in which we perceive ourselves as "grown."

I'll give you a personal example.

I am a child of divorced parents.  My father left when I was young, essentially leaving my mother to fend for herself both financially, emotionally, and physically.

He walked out... well, he wrote a long letter on yellow legal-sized paper that "explained" basically how he needed to find himself - interpret:  I'm having much more fun "being single" while married so I may as well be single.

There was no explanation made to me, few birthday and holiday cards, and no child-support to speak of.  I can't even begin to tell you the many times I was "promised" things over the course of my childhood, only to be disappointed again and again.

Fast forward 25 years later and he reenters the picture.  

What did I do?

I welcomed him back without question.

I thought that's what I was supposed to do.  You know, be the forgiving one.  Don't demand answers to the questions of why and how.  Don't rock the boat.  "Get over" the hurt that traumatized me as a child and move forward.  I was an adult, right?  I should understand that sometimes adults do things they regret later on in life and his decision didn't have anything to do with me.

But it had everything to do with me, especially because he was the parent and I was the child and not once has he talked about or shown regret for leaving me...because, he did leave me.

Then I came to a realization.

He didn't apologize because he's not sorry for what he did and it was never about me because I've never been a priority in his life.  It will never be about me because he doesn't have the ability to truly parent.

Which means that I had to make a decision about how I wanted him in MY life.

Then after a very real "confrontation," I had to make a personal decision.

So I rocked the boat.

Photo Credit:  Pixabay

To make a much longer story short, I decided that I didn't need to continue a one-sided relationship, doing "the right thing."

Because you see...

That wasn't the right thing for me.

There's a quote I love which says:

"People only treat you one way: the way you allow them to treat you."

(Unknown)

You see, I don't have faith that he's ever going to change.  I have to be the one that changes or continue to be disrespected, berated, and made to feel like I HAVE to behave a certain way because he's my father.

I'm not talking to him right now.  Not because I refuse to talk to him, but because HE refuses to reach out after his bad behavior and talk to me.

And that's okay.  That's his decision.

My decision is to grow and change my expectation of MYSELF to be a dutiful daughter and "make it right."  It's no longer my job to do that.

I'm different.  I've changed and will no longer allow the disrespect, despite what others tell me is the right thing to do.

I've also realized that I had to stop trying to get him to love me as an adult because I thought he couldn't love me as a child.  Truth is, I don't think he really knows how to love anyone but himself.

I've had to go through the messy realizations of this relationship.  Process them and move forward with MY LIFE, because we all only have one chance to do it.

Photo Credit:  Sergei Shmigelskii

He may reach out, eventually.  I will talk to him if he does, but I will also make it very clear about my expectations.

I will draw a line in the sand.  Period.

Even if I am a single entity in a sea of derision, I still need to make the change that helps me to grow and improve.

It's the only thing I can do...